Dr. Ben Carson Seizes Power

Washington, April 1, 2016 — Former Republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson seized power this morning, declaring a state of emergency and then going to sleep.

Carson and a team of heavily armed neurosurgeons occupied the White House at 0700 hours. President Obama, who was on the White House putting green at the time, was immediately placed under house arrest. But then Carson and his forces realized that the house would be the White House, and this wouldn’t be a good idea considering that they had staged a coup d’etat.

Obama was subsequently removed from the premises, screaming something about Carson having “crossed a red line” and warning of consequences.

“The former president has been fed breakfast and taken to Guantanamo Bay,” said Carson Minister of Propaganda Sarah Palin. “He is being kept under good conditions, including a half an hour of exercise, daily playtime with Raul Castro, and Muslim-appropriate meals.”

At the White House, reporters demanded to know why Carson was sleeping during such a significant crisis, which he himself had created.

Palin said Carson would have “no litmus test” for Supreme Court appointments, since she didn’t believe “litmus is really a word.”

“President Carson has had a very stressful morning and is tired,” Palin said. “If any of you had seized power this morning, I think you’d be exhausted too. The president should be up by noon, when it’s time for his milk. And then he’ll be like, Weeeeeee!”

Before going to bed, Carson made a short appearance in the White House briefing room, joining  Palin, who had been conducting the briefing. He said he had ordered December, January and February to “also be called, ‘summer,'” noting, “If the Australians can do it, why can’t we? What have they ever done for the world other than give us Men at Work? We’ve got the Rolling Stones.” Aides said they would wait until Carson awakens to tell him the Rolling Stones are from England and that Australia had also given the world The Crocodile Hunter.

Carson said he would soon be naming Cabinet members, and would base his decisions, “not on what they did yesterday, not what they are doing today, but on the entire fruit salad of their lives.” Palin said Carson would have “no litmus test” for Supreme Court appointments, since she didn’t believe “litmus is really a word.”

Carson insisted he had no immediate plans to name a vice president, saying it wasn’t necessary since he won’t ever be leaving office. “My conscience is clear, and so are my arteries,” Carson said. “We won’t be having any of this vice president nonsense.”

Carson was able to gain entrance to the White House when he and his operatives left five dozen Dunkin Donuts out in Lafayette Park. Uniformed Secret Service members were then seen leaving their posts and approaching the donuts, at which point Carson and his cadre stormed onto the grounds.

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“People thought I was just this sweet surgeon guy,” Carson said. “But while Trump was flying around in his helicopter, I was planning world domination. I’ve got seven girlfriends, a $1 million dollar gambling debt in Macao, and a Lamborghini that does 170 on the New Jersey Turnpike.”

Carson expressed satisfaction with his achievement.

“I’ve really turned the world upside down,” said Carson. Upon hearing this Palin said, “Well, then we’re going to have to start calling the South Lawn the North Lawn, and the North Lawn the South Lawn.” Carson whispered something in her ear and she left the briefing room.

The new president immediately exiled Vice President Biden to the island of Bermuda. Biden was quoted as saying, “OK.”