Here’s What Happens When You Return to Work After Baby

Veteran psychoanalyst and parental guidance expert Erica Komisar has strong feelings about today’s maternity leave — and the effect on both moms and babies when mothers are forced to return to work after their (usually far too short) absences from work.

Komisar, based in New York City, sees a connection between the increase in mental illness and developmental disorders in children and the increasing disinterest in — and devaluing of — mothers in society. In a new book that draws on neurobiological research as well as psychoanalytic theory, Komisar makes a compelling point: Both a mother’s emotional and physical presence in the first years of her child’s life have a monumental impact on that child’s ability to grow up emotionally healthy, happy, secure and resilient.

The new book is titled “Being There: Why Prioritizing Motherhood in the First Three Years Matters” (Tarcher Perigee) and goes on sale April 11, 2017. Check out what Komisar shared with LifeZette just prior to the book’s release — afterward, you may see maternity leaves in a whole new light.

Question: Why do you feel short-term maternity leaves are ineffective?
Answer: A mother is critical to her baby’s mental health in the first three years. She not only provides her child with protection from stress, she regulates her baby’s emotions from moment to moment — making it possible for him to regulate his own emotions after that three-year period.

“Your old life will never be your life again! So give up the fantasy that nothing will change after you have a baby.”

At three months a baby is just waking up from the trauma of childbirth and needing his mother for comfort and to literally be his central nervous system or emotional skin. When we force mothers and babies to be apart in the first three years, it causes stress to both babies and mothers, which we now know has dramatic consequences emotionally and physically.

And yes we are selling new mothers a bill of goods by telling them “go back to work, your babies will be fine…” The inconvenient truth is that some babies may not be fine. In addition, research shows that when mothers are forced to return to the workforce too early, there is a significant dropout rate for mothers in the workforce and a loss of talented female employees. We are selling our mothers and our babies short without great benefit to the companies, which are ignoring the fact that retention of women in the workforce means recognizing the importance of mothering.

Q: So let’s talk about why newborns need their mothers so much.
A: Newborns require constant comfort and buffering from stress. The world is a frightening and overstimulating place for a baby; it is a mother’s physical and emotional presence that protects and reassures the baby, providing him with emotional security, resilience to stress, and the future ability to handle his strong emotions. As a result of the increasing absence of mothers, I am seeing an epidemic of troubled children in my parent guidance practice.

Related: The Secrets of Raising Happy Children

Disorders such as ADHD, increased aggression, anxiety, depression, behavioral problems, and social disorders that resemble autism are on the rise at a dramatic rate. Many of these disorders I see are directly connected to children being under a great deal of stress due to the absence of their mothers and, as a result, are showing signs of being hyper-vigilant or sensitive to stress.

“In an ideal world, we’d offer mothers 18 months of fully paid maternity leave with another 18 months of flexible work and pay.”

Q: So what comfort can you share with new mothers and fathers who have to return to work — who have no choice to do so, or who have made that lifestyle decision?
A: My advice would be to take as long as you possibly can of maternity or parental leave even at the cost of income loss if necessary. When you do go back to work, ask for as much flexibility over your schedule as possible. More is more. The more you can be there physically and emotionally in the first three years, the less stress and conflict you will feel as a parent.

Try to be there at transition times such as waking up and going to sleep, dropping off your children at school, or picking them up. These are the most vulnerable times for children and the times they need their parents the most. Whenever possible, “be there emotionally when you are there physically,” which means putting your technology away and taking as little “homework” home from work. And most importantly, as a society we need to advocate for a real maternity leave policy that protects all mothers and babies in the first three years.

Q: What would this ideal maternity-leave policy look like?
A: As a society, we have devalued motherhood and nurturing to the point that over 25 percent of mothers in America have to return to work within six weeks after the birth of their babies — and most without any paid leave. The reality is that most of these mothers return to work after two weeks, and many of those babies are placed in day care, which overwhelms and overstimulates the fragile nervous system of a newborn. In an ideal world, we would offer mothers 18 months of fully paid maternity leave with another 18 months of flexible work and pay.

Many women have babies with the fantasy they will be blissfully happy every moment and feel a sense of fulfillment immediately.

However, this is not an ideal world. This is a society in which we value economics more than deep connections to other human beings. So what I feel is realistic and still hard to achieve would be six months of fully paid maternity leave for all women and then six months of partial pay leave with another two years of optional part-time or flexible schedules for all women. I do feel this is achievable, but only if we shout loudly that we will no longer tolerate the denial of babies’ and mothers’ needs. It is not good for anyone, and in the long run it’s detrimental to society.

Q: Let’s talk about those first few weeks with a new baby at home — a time that’s so precious for parents, but also so hard! What should new mothers know about the first few weeks and months that no one really, truly tells them?
A: Having children can be painful and difficult. Caring for children is really hard work with great sacrifice, little sleep, and little acknowledgment of one’s efforts. And yet it is the most rewarding and satisfying work you will ever do. The love you give and receive is the most fulfilling experience we can have as human beings.

However, many women have babies with the fantasy that they will be blissfully happy every moment and feel a sense of fulfillment immediately. In fact, attachment can take many weeks and months; your body after childbirth feels like it has been hit by a truck, and you really don’t sleep another full night for the first five years of your child’s life.

In addition, you have to be able to deal with your baby’s pain, discomfort, frustration, sadness and anger, and many new mothers may never have learned to handle their own strong emotions, let alone help their baby with hers.

Related: The Parenting Style That Helps Kids Most

My advice is to get as much support and help as possible in the first six months. I always recommend that mothers hire doulas when their own mothers or mothers-in-law are not available to help them. Doulas, unlike baby nurses, support the mother to mother the baby rather than taking over for the mother, which can interfere with attachment. Seek help from a therapist when you feel any signs of postpartum depression such as sadness, resentment and boredom.

“When you are away for much of the day at work, your baby will need you even more at night for reassurance.”

And importantly, don’t rush back to work if you have a choice. This adds more stress to an already stressed system. Sleep when your baby sleeps and try to go at the pace of your baby rather than trying to return to your old life. Your old life will never be your life again. So give up the fantasy that nothing will change after you have a baby. Everything changes — but ultimately for the better if you can be flexible and go with the changes.

Q: What about moms and dads who are truly upset about having to return to work — openly upset and protesting it? It is hard, hard, hard. What advice can we give to these moms and dads?
A: The reality is that many parents have to return to work soon after the birth of their babies because as a society we don’t value mothering. Allow yourself to feel sad and allow your baby to be sad and angry, and whatever else he might be feeling. Don’t turn away from your real feelings about separating — it neither benefits you nor your baby.

It is critical that you stay attached to your child even though it brings up difficult feelings for you like guilt and sadness. I don’t think of guilt as a bad feeling unless it is crippling. Guilt is a signal feeling, which informs mothers and fathers that what they are doing is not working for them or their baby. Guilt can instruct our behavior and illuminate our choices, whatever they may be.

Related: Mommy Makeovers: What You Never Knew About Them

So don’t shut down. Rather, make it work by spending as much time as possible with your baby before and after work, and when you are with your baby drop everything else, including housework, cooking, technology — and really be there. Make eye contact, hold and provide physical affection, play with your baby and provide important nighttime comfort and security whenever your baby needs you. When you are away for much of the day at work, your baby is going to need you even more at night for reassurance and to provide them with security.

Q: Please share some of your best tips for making this whole process easier.
A: Here you go! Here are tips everyone should remember.

• Preserve enough of your energy and patience for your children, whether you are working or stay at home. Pace yourself! Energy is not an endless resource.
• Presence means making eye contact, giving tons of affection, and reflecting your baby’s feelings, whether happy or sad.
• Helping your baby with angry feelings means providing your child with patience and being a calm and containing presence — rather than reacting to the infant or retaliating with words or actions.
• Learn to play again and get into the rhythm of play — which is slow, joyful, and full of awe. But it means getting off the treadmill of always having something urgent to do.
• Cradle your baby on the left side whenever possible, which increases the right-brain-to-right-brain social emotional connection between mother and child.
• Try to be mindful every day of what is really important — and make your baby your priority over everything else.
• Nurture yourself, too. You can’t nurture your baby if you haven’t cared for yourself. Take that shower and go to the gym. Take a walk in the park yourself, even if it’s for 15 minutes. We all need space from our children to be present parents.