Sisters Who are Nothing Alike

My 9-year-old daughters are twins. But they are more like the Arnold Schwarzengenner-Danny DeVito pairing from the 1988 movie “Twins” than the Lindsay Lohan-Lindsay Lohan twins from “The Parent Trap.”

My girls are fraternal twins. They share a family resemblance, but are by no stretch identical. They have distinct personalities, and furthermore, each girl is developing at her own pace socially, athletically, academically, emotionally.

When people ask if my twin daughters are alike, usually I say, “They are merely sisters with the same birthday.”

This was on full display recently. Twin Arnold needed help with her math homework. About six minutes in, I had to stop because I was getting dangerously close to complete brain implosion. My clearly articulated explanations flew over her head, my frustration was mounting, and I was beginning to wonder whether she was even my child. I mean, why couldn’t she just “get it”?

Just as I was suggesting she ask her dad for help, Twin Danny entered the room. She dismissed me with the flick of her soft, pink hand. Danny told me she’d explain the concept that was troubling Arnold.

Then something remarkable happened. She did just that. Because Danny, unlike her sister Arnold, excels at math.

Related: Two Kids Born in a Row

I think of scenarios like this when people ask if my twin daughters are alike. Usually I say, “They are merely sisters with the same birthday.” Which is true. But my explanation doesn’t really penetrate all ears.

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How different could twins be? After all, they both have blue eyes! They both wear ponytails! And they have matching coats!

Because of the assumed similarities, folks are prone to compare and contrast my girls. And sadly, a surefire way to deplete a child’s confidence is to compare her to a sibling. That’s even more true if the sibling is a twin.

How different could twins be? After all, they both have blue eyes! They both wear ponytails! They have matching coats!

We all want to be recognized for our inherently beautiful uniqueness. For most of us, discovering what makes us special isn’t about linking us to a sister, sizing us both up, then determining who is taller, sillier, plumper, pickier. We nontwins aren’t labeled the “smart one,” “quiet one” or “popular one.” Our journeys to self-discovery allow for a more nuanced reading of our skills, strengths, and talents, because we aren’t pitted against just one person.

This is a delicate parenting issue that isn’t going away any time soon. In the advent of advanced maternal age, the fertility drug Clomid and in vitro fertilization, we’re seeing more fraternal twins than ever. (As of a few years ago, 1 in every 30 births resulted in twins!) And these twins each have unique DNA, just like other siblings do. Yes, they shared a womb, but genetically, they are not the same.

In the advent of advanced maternal age, the fertility drug Clomid and in vitro fertilization, we’re seeing more fraternal twins than ever.

Each of my daughters deserves a blank slate upon which to build layers of individual characteristics to shape who she is going to be. Her identity should primarily be about her own choices, goals and accomplishments, and not some misguided assumption that she is interconnected to her twin sister.

After Danny helped Arnold with her math, I checked in on Arnold.

“Danny is really good at math,” she said, a bit crestfallen.

I nearly responded that Danny is just like her math-gifted older brother. But I stopped myself, just before the comparison got out of the bag.

Instead, I said, “That was challenging homework. You worked hard on it. I love how determined you are.”

She grinned, proud of her own strength.

I hope my daughters complement, guide, and support each other, the way that any two loving siblings would. Because they are just sisters with the same birthday.