Introverted Kids, Tentative Parents

They refer to your child as “shy.” They call her “antisocial.” They suggest he is a “wallflower.”

Relax. There’s nothing wrong with your offspring. You more than likely have what psychologists call an “introverted” child, and you’ve known that for some time. The real problem, of course, is that American society is extremely extroverted. Trying to navigate a world that primarily responds to only one kind of energy can be difficult on children and parents alike.

Related: So Your Kid’s Shy — So What?

Here is a basic understanding of “introverted” and “extroverted,” and a few tips on how to parent each kind of child, from your humble correspondent, who has been blessed with one of each (and is an introvert himself).

The easiest way to understand the difference is that extroverts get their energy from being out in the world and around other people. Introverts gather their energy from being homebodies, and spending time with themselves. There’s nothing abnormal about this. People are hard-wired — although we each carry a bit of the opposite within us as well.

Because our society is so heavily skewed to the extrovert, the introvert often struggles to adapt and interact with it. It’s almost like speaking a different language. Extroverts value interaction with other people, seeking to offer and receive, placing value on material accomplishments and specific goals. Introverts prefer to have things settled within themselves via introspection and self-awareness before venturing out into the world. Introverts place more value in intimate communication and closeness.

Your introvert may have an extraordinary imagination, a grand and beautiful internal world, often expressed through art, music, and storytelling.

Thus, your introverted child may feel disoriented in school or in crowds. He or she may experience feelings of envelopment, being swallowed up, or getting lost. Remember, these children have a very vibrant world — it just happens to be on the inside. Thus, you will need to access it using different tools than you would an extroverted child. Introverted children may be more easily accessed by playing board games, cards, reading to them, or through art. That is when you have a great opportunity to just talk to them.

Introverts may also feel displaced, lonely, or envious of extroverted children, who seem to make friends so easily. The key here is to seek out other introverted children and their parents, and arrange activities or play dates for them together. You will find that they probably form tighter relationships than your extroverted child. That’s not to say the extroverted child’s friendships aren’t genuine; it’s just that they are more likely to based on external values, and not so much on closeness and feelings.

As the Facebook meme goes, “Introverts Unite! … separately, in your own rooms.”

It’s important to communicate to introverted children that there is nothing wrong them. Explain these differences to them. If you or your co-parent is an introvert, so much the better. The child will be able to identify with you, and feel that they are not alone. You may also discover that your introvert has an extraordinary imagination, a grand and beautiful internal world, often expressed through art, music, and storytelling.

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One thing you may experience as each type of child grows older is that introverted children tend to grow up with more psychological self-awareness. Having worked on themselves for so long, as they grow up, they are more able to handle challenging emotional and life-changing situations. Extroverts, having rarely looked inward, may suddenly realize they are not as well-equipped, and may face greater challenges.

Jungian depth psychologists have also noted that extroverts may face greater challenges in adult relationships. When two extroverts unite, they spend the first half of life looking outward at all the things our society values. Then, as they reach the second half of life, they turn inward and find themselves bereft, and unable to effectively communicate with each other.

Here’s a tangible example. We often see this division in our popular culture, particularly with superheroes. Superman is the extrovert, here to interact with America, and act for the good of Metropolis in a very public way. Clark Kent works in a bustling newsroom.

Batman is the brooding introvert, also acting for the good of Gotham, but prefers the solitude of Wayne Manor, and hides from everyone except Alfred.

Who would be easier to communicate with?

Related: The Number One Secret of Great Parents

So fear not for your introvert. Your child will require some extra care and handling to help him or her adjust to our extroverted society. However, you will also reap great rewards. You will witness your child find a home of some kind, in some after-school activity with a group of like-minded children — and then blossom like you never believed possible.