I’ll Feed Your Goldfish! Have a Great Trip!

Many families are making plans right now to fly off to Mexico or Puerto Rico, or even head for a fun domestic location like Disneyland for the February school vacation.

We are not one of those families. We are the family those families call to tell about their upcoming trip — and ask us about watering their plants, checking their mail, or feeding their fish while they are away.

Ever since the “staycation” entered our lexicon, a little dignity has been restored to being too broke or busy to travel during winter break.

I have waved goodbye from my driveway more times than I care to admit, smiling and giving the double thumbs-up to the lucky family as they get out of the neighborhood and head for the airport. As soon as they turn the corner, my hands drop and my grimace returns — where was I? Oh, that’s right — picking up the stray piece of dented rain gutter from the yard and trying to reattach it.

Interestingly, the person taking the trip often tries to sound like it’s not going to be that great — or worse, this person complains about the hassles of getting ready.

I am often cleaning a hamster cage or performing some other boring household chore when a neighbor calls to see if I can help out during a trip — and feels compelled to relate the burdens of trip preparation.

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“Ugh, I just cannot locate my flip-flops or bathing suit or beach bag — I really don’t know how I’m going to get ready!” the traveler laments, while I listen, putting WD-40 on the hamster wheel to make it stop squeaking all night and driving the whole family insane. “I really am stressed getting ready, you know?” the traveler continues. “And I only hope I can locate all our passports!”

Ever since “staycation” entered our lexicon, a little dignity has been restored to being too broke or busy to travel during winter break. Websites and newspapers now run lists of things to do with kids during your staycation — and at first, it all sounded great. Who needs a trip? You are going to discover new and exciting things right in your own backyard!

Don’t get those hopes up. While you are dreaming of taking the kids to see the Van Gogh exhibit at the Museum of Fine Art, they are just dreaming — literally. You can’t get them out of bed.

You tell yourself: That’s OK! What are you if not flexible? So, you re-group. You and the kids can have lunch out somewhere, and then go ice skating during “free skate” time at the town rink.

The only problem is that your kids have other plans — namely, “hanging out” with other kids. No matter what exciting and educational day trips you put together, your kids somehow, while sleeping for 15 hours straight, have simultaneously managed to make plans to hang out with all their friends who are also on staycations.

Related: Your Vacation Photos: A New Year’s Gift to Criminals

You end up being the community shuttle, driving teens and pre-teens to various “hang out” destinations. “Who are you?” I once asked a kid whose unrecognizable face I happened to catch in my rearview mirror.

“Oh, it’s cool, Mrs. Reilly,” he answered languidly, popping out his earphones. “I’m Jay, a friend of your son’s — he said you could maybe drive me to Ben’s house.” It didn’t seem to bother this kid that he was the only one in the car — I had just dropped my own son off at yet another friend’s house.

The numbers on your ATM card are worn down from over-use as you frequent fast food drive-thrus and gas stations in between picking kids up and dropping kids off. Between trips you collect mail, water plants, and turn on lights for neighbors. You should be eligible to draw a municipal salary, you are doing so much for your town.

Related: The Great Vacation Fallacy

All too soon, the week is at an end and Sunday night rolls around. Suddenly, kids who have spent the majority of their week hanging upside down on your couch like bats are communicating with the urgency of firefighters.

“Mom, where’s my backpack? Also, we need to go to CVS to get poster board. I have a project due tomorrow!”

Count yourself lucky. The plants you cared for lived.

What? You then throw up your hands and begin your well-known family lecture entitled, “You Have Had All Week to Do This Project, So There Is No Way I’m Helping You.”

An hour later, you are helping to paint styrofoam balls into planets. You’re fashioning wire coat hangers into the rings of Saturn for a complex solar system project worth half your kid’s total grade. You’ve been duped again, Mom.

Still, when the kids return to school on Monday, a lump forms in your throat, out of nowhere. Just having them near for a week — sleeping, hanging off the couch, laughing, and filling the kitchen with their friends and their laughter — has filled your house with energy and life.

Related: Pull Yourself Together, Mom

Count yourself lucky. The plants you cared for lived; the fish you fed survived the week. If your kid gets an “A” on that solar system project, no one can say you’re not a winner!