Empty Nesters, Beware: You’re in a High-Risk Zone

There is no group more at risk for divorce than people over age 50 — many of them “empty nesters.”

After surviving child-rearing and the ups and downs of raising a family and competing in the modern world, many who should be enjoying all that they have built together are instead looking at one another and thinking, “Who are you?”

“They are not talking to each other and we are really concerned they might be heading toward divorce,” a college junior confided.

Or worse — “I’m finding I don’t like you as much as I hoped I did.”

Since 1990, the divorce rate for Americans over 50 has doubled and has more than doubled for those over 65, according to a 2014 study from National Center for Family and Marriage Research Bowling Green University in Bowling Green, Ohio.

“At a time when divorce rates for other age groups have stabilized or dropped, fully one out of every four people experiencing divorce in the United States is 50 or older, and nearly one in 10 is 65 or older,” sociologists Susan L. Brown and I-Fen Lin of Bowling Green University found.

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A few years ago, a junior in college who participated in one of my youth programs in Washington, D.C., called me on my cellphone. His trembling and sad tone signaled there was a problem.

“Fr. Michael, my sister and I just came back from Thanksgiving break and my mom and dad are not in a good spot,” he explained. “They are not talking to each other, and we are really concerned they might be heading toward divorce. I feel sick to my stomach and my sister is not doing much better. Could you please pray for my family?”

I have given many parenting talks to moms and dads, which include practical “disciplinary” tips for effective child-rearing. But my opening line is always, “The absolute greatest gift you can give your kids is a great marriage.”

That was, by far, the greatest gift my mom and dad gave me — and I continue to experience its fruits every day.

For the last four years, I have been close to a couple who recently became empty nesters, and who continue to have a really great marriage. I asked wife and mother Kristin Chmiel to describe her experience in this new reality — and about a geographical move she and her husband Rob made, back to where their story began.

“Recently, my husband and I relocated from Greenwich, Connecticut, where we raised our family, back to Manhattan — where we met nearly 27 years ago,” she explained. “Our daughters Grace, 23, and Paige, 22, now reside in the city, while our son, Beau, 20, attends Catholic University in Washington, D.C. Now,” she continued, “as almost full-time empty nesters back on the Upper East Side, blocks away from the church where we married 26 years ago, we have come full circle.”

Chmiel said many people have asked her why the couple made this move at this point in their lives — wouldn’t they like to be relaxing and playing golf or tennis somewhere, enjoying a warm climate?

“Bottom line,” said Chmiel, “I wanted to spend more time with my best friend and the love of my life. For 25 years, my husband has commuted from Greenwich to Manhattan for work — with the exception of the 10 years residing in Los Angeles, where he still had a substantial commute. Rising every morning at 5 a.m., he would return each night after 8 p.m.,” she continued. “So many years of sacrifice he met with great love and endurance — and my Rob never complained. Rarely, in all those years, did he ever take a sick day. Every night, after a 15-hour day, he would walk through the door with a cheerful voice, a smile on his face, and an encouraging word for me and the kids. For this, I was and always will be eternally grateful to my faithful and steadfast husband.”

Chmiel said that like most busy parents, there was very little time to concentrate on nurturing the marriage. Between her work and her husband’s work, not to mention cross-country moves and serving in various community roles, there was never time.

“Yes, Rob and I enjoyed weekends at the country club, summer family vacations, and in the later years, some European travel,” explained Chmiel. “But for the most part, we lived a very conventional life, like most parents, and sacrificed our time and energy for the sake of our family. When it came time for us, our tanks were on empty.”

A faithful marriage will be the greatest reference point to give your kids.

Now, said Chmiel, her husband’s commute is just 15 minutes long, and he can enjoy a daily workout and even attend Mass at St. Patrick’s Cathedral a few days a week before work. He walks in the door by 6:30 p.m., and the two can have dinner together.

“I admit, leaving the comfort and familiarity of my life in Greenwich to start over again in the concrete jungle has been unsettling,” she said. “But it is [plain] to see that this new life will ease the pressure in his day and improve his overall health. And I am so excited to enjoy more quality time with my husband in our cozy empty nest and discovering this new season of life!”

Related: A Long, Happy Marriage Can Save a Life

At the end of life, a faithful marriage will be the greatest reference point you can give your kids and the greatest source of fulfillment and accomplishment you can offer.

Allow Christ to help you, lean into God — and ask Him every day for this tremendous gift of a long view of life and marriage, and the grace of perseverance.

Fr. Michael Sliney, LC, is a Catholic priest who is the New York chaplain of the Lumen Institute, an association of business and cultural leaders.