You’re divorced. You have kids. You have something approaching a 50/50 custody arrangement. That means you have time to yourself — without your former spouse and without your kids.

Now what?

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This new life status can be difficult to grapple with. It may create feelings of loneliness. It may create feelings of guilt — of letting the kids down because the marriage didn’t work, or because a parent can’t physically be there with the kids all the time.

This is all tied to a new form of individuation, which is the process of becoming independent. We spend our teen years doing this, to individuate from our parents. Then we get married and merge our life with our partner’s. In a divorce, we individuate again — this time as adults. Thus, it may also raise those same awkward teenage feelings we once had.

The key is to nurture yourself. Fill your own well. Become the person you have always wanted to be. The marriage didn’t work out. This is the new reality. Make the most of it. Not only will you become a happier and more fulfilled individual, it will recharge you for when your kids come back to you.

The biggest obstacle to this progress is guilt. Dr. Jason Stein of Brentwood, California, a licensed marriage and family therapist with a doctorate in clinical psychology, says, “Guilt is self-induced and usually a by-product of not knowing what balance looks like post-divorce. You have shifts in time management and activity. You may experience a hole in your time, and the easy solution to filling that hole is to attach guilt to it, by thinking you should be with your kids. In reality, this is a projection of simply not knowing what to do with yourself.”

“Our most precious commodity is time, and what you do with it to make it meaningful is where responsibility comes in.”

That guilt can take many forms. There may be feelings of failure, or that you have let down your parents or friends or community. This is an unfair burden we put on ourselves. It stifles us. It depletes our energy.

Instead, Stein advises people to think about what would be a productive use of that open time, and to think about what model you would want to set for your kids with that time. You don’t owe anybody an explanation for what you do with your own time. Don’t permit yourself to feel judged if people see you doing something you enjoy on your own time. By filling your own well, you become a better parent.

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As for not actually being with the kids physically, Stein tells the same thing to divorced adults that he tells their kids — that the reason they have the feeling of missing someone is because they love someone, that they actually care. That’s a gift and a blessing, and a feeling to be honored rather than judged.

Stein also notes that, “Our most precious commodity is time, and what you do with it to make it meaningful is where responsibility comes in.”

Related: Why Daughters Need Their Dads So Much

It is this concept of choice that Stein emphasizes regarding much of life, particularly in how we think about divorce and post-divorce. “You are creating a space for new choices. Some people decide that they aren’t happy and that means they should get a divorce. That’s a poor choice because it is about moving away from something instead of toward something. After a divorce, this same concept is just as important, namely, asking yourself what you want to do towards becoming happy. Move towards those things — not away from them.”

This is your time. Use it in the best ways you can think of. Stein suggests opening up the secret wish list you’ve carried with you all your life. Maybe some things that were possible when you were 20 aren’t possible anymore — but, barring those, start checking them off.

Treat yourself well. Do things that you enjoy. See your friends. Give yourself permission to do these things, and to explore others.

As you fulfill yourself, you will set a good example for your children, and become a better parent.