5 Steps for Stepparents

When he was a teenager, my stepson went to the library to pick up his new library card.

We’d just moved to a new town in New York, and I’d handled the paperwork, since my stepson and his brother now lived with their dad and me full time, with their mother’s blessing.

“Oh, yes,” the librarian said, handing him his card. “Your mother was here earlier. You’re all set.”

“That wasn’t my mother,” he said matter-of-factly. “That was my stepmother.”

Related: Tips for Parenting Your Teens

Stepfamily tip number one: When you marry someone with children, you learn clarity.

You need to be clear about who you are, clear about your new role in the family, and clear about what other people call you in regard to the children. It’s pragmatic, smart and can ease an inherently fraught situation.

How do both sets of parents juggle weeknights, weekends, holidays, and more?

In this case, the librarian assumed I was the mom because the forms showed we shared the same address (and the same last name). It was an honest mistake — no big deal. But it was vital to my stepson that he call the four parents in his life exactly they were. This wasn’t a comment or a slight of any kind; it was a necessity. Let’s see: His dad had remarried, so he had a stepmom (me); his mom had remarried, so he had a stepdad; and along with a new stepdad, he also had a stepbrother (his stepdad’s son from his first marriage).

He also wound up with two more younger brothers (my two children with his dad).

Related: Screen-Free Parenting

Confusing? (Where’d you get that idea?) Keeping things straight helps keep the boat steady in a sometimes choppy sea.

The Census Bureau says 1,300 new stepfamilies are formed every day, and that half the families in this country are formed by remarriage. Stepfamily dynamics can vary hugely, depending on the specifics. Are all sets of parents (and grandparents) still alive? If so, do they live near each other, or are they farflung and scattered, requiring travel arrangements so the kids can see both parents? Have the divorced parents each remarried? Are there other children involved? How do the parents juggle weeknights, weekends, holidays and more?

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Yes, it can be one giant jigsaw puzzle. It’s why you want to operate from love, first and foremost.

Do the best you can for the children you love.

My stepsons are wonderful young men who now lead full and independent lives. They’re both college graduates. They’ve both held terrific jobs. They live nearby and visit often. I consider them my sons, though technically they are not; but in my heart, yes they are. And yes — we are clear about everything. It’s all just fine. It’s better than fine.

Here are a few other important qualities to remember in this family situation:

Tolerance. You can’t control what’s not yours. I may not have agreed with how the other household (my stepsons’ mom and her husband) handled certain childrearing decisions or issues, but it didn’t matter: I couldn’t control it anyway. You learn to get along with others with whom you do not see eye to eye because you should, for the children’s sake.

Patience. Not happy when the other parent shows up during “your” weekend, “your” time with the kids, “your” special event? Take a deep breath. If you focus on the needs of the children (without being a doormat — there is a difference), peace can reign.

Understanding. As a stepparent, you don’t have the same knowledge of the family history or dynamics as those involved. So when that history is referenced, be understanding. Try not to take sides. Be there. Listen.

A Sense of Humor. It helps to see the lighter side of things. Some situations are just going to go down the way they go down. Stepson makes his first Communion and there’s room in the pew for only two adults, not four? Take a back seat and smile: At least you’re there. Stepdaughter learns to drive without you? Hey, she learned, didn’t she? Stepson likes his mom’s cooking better than yours? Smart guy!

Operate from love and caring about the kids most of all, not a sense of entitlement, pride or anything else, and you’ll do right by your stepchildren — with the help, of course, of your loving spouse. Think about it. Without this person, you wouldn’t have these great kids in your life at all.