Dodging Holiday Land Mines with Family

Every family has one. You know, the individual who presses buttons, stirs the pot and injects drama into everything from politics to mashed potatoes.

Gwen Warner can relate. The southern California mother of one has an uncle who can’t deal with the fact that she’s vegan.

“’Come on! You know you want some ham! Just have a little!’ he’ll say. It’s really frustrating, and I laugh it off. But I try to avoid sitting next to him during the meal,” Warner said.

If you’ve thought about skipping the family get-together just to avoid the troublemaker, that might be appropriate, but there are other options, experts say.

“Discuss your rationale for attending to keep your focus on what is important,” said E.J. Smith, a counselor in College Station, Texas.

Related: De-Stress Over the Big Family Get-Together

Reasonable expectations can save you a lot of heartache, Smith said. For instance, if your uncle has been opinionated, gauche and politically incorrect for the past 15 years, “recognize that it’s probably not going to change,” Smith said.

Make sure your expectations aren’t out of line, and avoid religion, politics and alcohol.

Prepare and plan, said Michelene M. Wasil, a licensed marriage and family therapist in San Diego, California.

Think about the potential hot-button issues and have a loose plan to respond.

“It can be as simple as a deflection, such as, ‘Wow, would you look at that beautiful tree!’ or ‘That turkey smells wonderful, I am going to help dad in the kitchen,’” she said.

Make sure your expectations aren’t out of line, avoid hot-button topics of religion and politics, and for general purposes, say no to alcohol.

Enlist the support of other family members to help you stay calm if snarky remarks are directed at you, Wasil said. For example, get your sister to jump in if your aunt asks you yet again about not being married.

If all else fails, remember to breathe, and have an exit strategy.

“It’s OK to excuse yourself if things escalate,” Wasil said. “Take a walk, go to a different room, play with the kids or pay attention to the family pet.”

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It’s also OK to stand up for yourself if this person is directing a tirade at you, she said. Protect yourself either through gentle confrontation, or simply say, “I don’t want to talk about this” and walk away.

A thought-out escape plan can calm nerves.

“Create code words with a spouse or friend that signal it is time to go,” said Smith.

Or make plans for a second engagement that day. It works for Warner.

“If I really believe things are going to heat up, I make plans to leave early.”

Related: Get the Family Memoir Done

John McGrail from Los Angeles has another idea. Practice the art of allowance, said the clinical hypnotherapist, relationship coach and author of “The Synthesis Effect: Your Direct Path to Personal Power and Transformation.”

This method of coping eliminates stewing over outrageous behavior of people we must be with over the holidays.

“Simply allow them to be who and what they are. Don’t accept, don’t tolerate, just allow. When we allow other people, over whom we have no control anyway, to be whoever they are, we give both them and ourselves a great gift,” McGrail said.

“With a little practice, you can prep yourself and be in that frame of mind before you get into the situation. Then, when it occurs, you’re ready and flow through it with ease.”

Warner uses a few tried-and-true methods to quell unacceptable behavior. One snappy comeback has been successful for her. After looking the person in the eye and giving that person her undivided attention for a long moment, she’ll say sweetly, “Thanks for your opinion.”

Or try this. After being the target of well-meaning, albeit tactless family members, Warner might say: “Let me know when it’s time to pick on someone else.”

Either response gives the other person a chance to save face. Because, after all, it is the holidays and they are your family.

Bottom line: Family can be exasperating. Around the holidays, everyone is tired and tempers are short. Give yourself and your family members a little slack, humor and sincerity. It can go a long way toward defusing any situation that might arise.